Hello friends. God’s grace is raining down on you this fine day. Yes friends, for the first time in ages, I have decided to compile an entire humorous blog entry full of satire, wit and hilarity without the aid of youtube. Allow me to set up this blog entry. I am currently undergoing training at Fells Wargo (I have disguised the companies name so as to not get fired during my first week of training) at their Jordan Creek/West Des Moines campus. Today was day two of training and we covered the topic of diversity. Ah yes, diversity. Before we dive into the sheer genius that awaits you, allow me to state the obvious: I am not a racist. I could try and give you all the reasons why I’m not racist, but that would be time consuming and detract from the giggle factory that is this blog. I can’t be a racist. Why you ask? Because I am friends with:
I mean just look at him. He is definitely African-American, and he looks kind of intimidating. Ok, so to be honest, I had a hard time finding pictures of my friend where he wasn’t surrounded by white people. And he grew up in ames, so he is actually practically white. But still, they say outward beauty is only skin deep, and so is diversity! But still, I am not a racist.
Now that we have that out of the way, we can move onto more important things. So what does diversity really mean? When colleges and businesses talk about diversity, what do they really mean? I have concluded that when people say “diversity” they actually mean “no white people”. Naturally I have gone out of my way to find pictures to support my claim (which is completely reasonable by the way). Observe the first entry into the “stupidiversity” hall of lame:
So I count 4 African-Americans and 1 other guy who is either Hispanic or Indian, its hard to say. Basic math skills would lead me to deduce that since there are 5 people in the picture, and there are 4 African-Americans and 1 either Hispanic or Indian dude, that means there are in fact, no white people in this picture. Is it just me or is the public sector approaching the issue of diversity with the same tact and care that hunters approached the dodo? Its ok though, I’m assuming the guy who took the picture of this “diversity in action” was probably a white guy who is a temp worker…
Well at least that last photograph wasn’t as insulting as this next one:
My favorite part of this picture is the white woman in the bottom left who apparently is seriously pondering what diversity is. Everyone else in the picture looks confident, but the white woman is apparently really stumped. “Hmm, diversity…let’s see…Di- means ‘two’, so is that like two universities???” No, I’m sorry ma’am. Diversity means no white people and don’t worry, it will confuse the rational minds of many. I also like how the two women at the top are apparently pharmacists. I bet the Oriental lady at the top left is actually probably a scientist and is helping to defuse a bomb that is set to go off. Meanwhile, down in the bottom left we have a very culturally diverse situation. A white man and an African-American man are having a conversation. But this picture is clearly symbolic as the white man is a little bit taller and clearly looking down on the African-American man. Maybe its this type of an overt superiority complex that keeps white people out of diversity campaigns. Whatever the case, if someone ever asks you if you celebrate diversity, (and you happen to be white) just plainly tell them no. This will of course spark their curiosity and they will want to better understand you as a unique individual. And you can share with them that diversity means “no white people allowed” and so clearly you can not participate in diversity because you are white. They will immediately accept your differences and not just assume that you are being a stereotypical white racist. In fact, if I were you, I wouldn’t even wait for someone to ask you if you celebrate diversity. Heck, I would just volunteer that information. It will work with co-workers, but I would recommend trying it out with customers you interact with at work. I am being trained for a customer service job, so I will go through a pretend scenario.
“Hi, thank you for calling Fells Wargo, my name is TJ Lyttle. I would like to say that I do not celebrate diversity because I’m white, and we’re not allowed to…(insert awkward silence for a minute or two)… How may I help you?”
(Now I’m not exactly sure how they would respond, but here a few different options:)
“Hey, awesome me too! My name is Pat Robertson”
“*click*”
“#@&%!!!”
I think its a good idea, you should try it out at your job. I can’t imagine it doing anything but boosting sales. And let your manager know that I probably have more good suggestions if they are interested.
And finally let’s all remember that stupidiversity best works within a mob rules framework. That’s the only way real change will take place!
