No photoshopping required. Enjoy. At my expense. Your welcome.

This is why I want to move to canada:

http://www.edmontonsun.com/News/Canada/2007/12/05/4708229-sun.html

Its a good thing they have universal health care up there, or else that guy would be screwed…

So it has dawned upon me that I forgot to celebrate the one year anniversary of “On Beagle’s Wings”! So in order to right that wrong I have decided to post a special picture to commemorate not only this laugh factory, but also the first post that I made on this blog! So consider this an early christmas present from me to you. Enjoy!

Hello friends. God’s grace is raining down on you this fine day. Yes friends, for the first time in ages, I have decided to compile an entire humorous blog entry full of satire, wit and hilarity without the aid of youtube. Allow me to set up this blog entry. I am currently undergoing training at Fells Wargo (I have disguised the companies name so as to not get fired during my first week of training) at their Jordan Creek/West Des Moines campus. Today was day two of training and we covered the topic of diversity. Ah yes, diversity. Before we dive into the sheer genius that awaits you, allow me to state the obvious: I am not a racist. I could try and give you all the reasons why I’m not racist, but that would be time consuming and detract from the giggle factory that is this blog. I can’t be a racist. Why you ask? Because I am friends with:

I mean just look at him. He is definitely  African-American, and he looks kind of intimidating. Ok,  so to be  honest, I had a hard time finding pictures of my friend where he wasn’t surrounded by white people.  And he  grew up in ames,  so  he is actually practically white.  But still,  they say  outward  beauty is only skin deep, and so is diversity!  But still,  I am not a racist.

Now that we have that out of the way, we can  move onto  more important things.  So what does diversity really mean?  When  colleges and businesses talk about diversity, what do they  really  mean?  I have concluded that  when people  say  “diversity”  they actually  mean  “no white people”.  Naturally I have gone out of my way to find pictures to support my  claim (which is completely  reasonable by the way).  Observe the first entry into the  “stupidiversity” hall of lame:

So I count 4 African-Americans and 1 other guy who is either Hispanic or Indian, its hard to say. Basic math skills would lead me to deduce that since there are 5 people in the picture, and there are 4 African-Americans and 1 either Hispanic or Indian dude, that means there are in fact, no white people in this picture. Is it just me or is the public sector approaching the issue of diversity with the same tact and care that hunters approached the dodo? Its ok though, I’m assuming the guy who took the picture of this “diversity in action” was probably a white guy who is a temp worker…

Well at least that last photograph wasn’t as insulting as this next one:

My favorite part of this picture is the white woman in the bottom left who apparently is seriously pondering what diversity is. Everyone else in the picture looks confident, but the white woman is apparently really stumped. “Hmm, diversity…let’s see…Di- means ‘two’, so is that like two universities???” No, I’m sorry ma’am. Diversity means no white people and don’t worry, it will confuse the rational minds of many. I also like how the two women at the top are apparently pharmacists. I bet the Oriental lady at the top left is actually probably a scientist and is helping to defuse a bomb that is set to go off. Meanwhile, down in the bottom left we have a very culturally diverse situation. A white man and an African-American man are having a conversation. But this picture is clearly symbolic as the white man is a little bit taller and clearly looking down on the African-American man. Maybe its this type of  an overt superiority complex that keeps white people out of diversity campaigns. Whatever the case, if someone ever asks you if you celebrate diversity, (and you happen to be white) just plainly tell them no. This will of course spark their curiosity and they will want to better understand you as a unique individual. And you can share with them that diversity means “no white people allowed” and so clearly you can not participate in diversity because you are white. They will immediately accept your differences and not just assume that you are being a stereotypical white racist. In fact, if I were you, I wouldn’t even wait for someone to ask you if you celebrate diversity. Heck, I would just volunteer that information. It will work with co-workers, but I would recommend trying it out with customers you interact with at work. I am being trained for a customer service job, so I will go through a pretend scenario.

“Hi, thank you for calling Fells Wargo, my name is TJ Lyttle. I would like to say that I do not celebrate diversity because I’m white, and we’re not allowed to…(insert awkward silence for a minute or two)… How may I help you?”

(Now I’m not exactly sure how they would respond, but here a few different options:)

“Hey, awesome me too! My name is Pat Robertson”

“*click*”

“#@&%!!!”

I think its a good idea, you should try it out at your job. I can’t imagine it doing anything but boosting sales. And let your manager know that I probably have more good suggestions if they are interested.

And finally let’s all remember that stupidiversity best works within a mob rules framework. That’s the only way real change will take place!

The sad thing is that I think this video clip was more entertaining than Spiderman 3 was…

the best way to break up a fight??

so consider this a follow-up to the last post with the video of the guy who apparently hunts while blindfolded…

so I thought this video was amusing, and emily, I think you might enjoy it more than most, so here it is:

Yes friends, I have finally found the Jesus of Suburbia. I found Him in Ankeny, Iowa. (The perfect place to find the high king of all things suburbia). What? You don’t believe me?!

Well, have a look for yourself!

Jesus of Suburbia

Look how Jesus beckons one and all to come enjoy the fruits of moving away from all your problems! There is no pain, poverty or disease among the porcelain red rooster, the three rabbits in a mysteriously sickening three way, or the tacky fountain of life. Yes, everything has its place in suburbia. If its not surrounded by neatly arranged bricks it doesn’t belong.

Look at suburban Jesus and his miss america robe that glitters in the sun. He also has his heart positioned in the center of his chest, not the left. A bit freakish, but you get used to it after a while. He also looks a bit like James Van Der Beek from Dawson’s Creek. All this time, you thought Green Day was just being creative and making social commentary. But now you know the truth! They visited Ankeny, Iowa and were trying to alert people so they too could pay homage. However, no need to bring gifts, just credit cards and loan officers will do!

In a few short weeks one of my best friends is getting married. I think it is time for me to share something about me that you may not know…

I dream of my wedding day every day, in fact several times a day. Now I know you are probably thinking two possible things:

1) Dude, are you a fairy, only girls are supposed to dream of their wedding day!

2) Dude, your just like every other guy who just wants to have sex!

Ok, as for #2, nothing could be further from the truth! As for #1, well, I can’t dispute that one. But once you see my wedding plans, you will forget all about my gender confusion issues.

Ok, first of all, I want 10 penguins wearing bow ties who will mingle with people at all times. There will also be a giant ice slide behind the altar. Also at all times, there will be 10 dachshunds with trays strapped to their backs that will serve hours d’ oeuvres and wine. The dachshunds will wear beanies with the propellers on the top.

Instead of lighting a unity candle, me and my bride will light a unity bonfire. This will of course be composed mostly of math textbooks and the book “Culture Warrior” by Bill O’ Reilly. During the lighting of the unity bonfire, there will be a special duet sung by Michael W. Smith and Rod Stewart. They will sing the mashup “Friends Forever Young”. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. I have also decided that Andy Pavelka will give the sermon/officiate the wedding. Also, instead of having a slideshow of pictures of me and my bride, I will play the cartoon “Ah Lamour” by Don Hertzfeldt. And finally instead of “kissing the bride” to finalize the wedding ceremony we will pinky swear, because as we all know, pinky swearing is the 2nd most legally binding contract one may enter into.

Ok, now for the reception. The reception will be held at a random high schoolers graduation party. This will take some coordination, but it will save us money on food and drink, and what high schooler wouldn’t love to have 10 penguins and dachshunds to play with?! As far as noise makers to get the bride and groom to kiss. This will be more important because as mentioned above, we pinky swore instead of kissing. Instead of having those annoying clappers or the traditional tapping a glass, everyone will be given a small chalkboard and a fork. With at least two hundred people scratching chalkboards with a fork, this should easily accomplish the task it was created for. Sure it might weird some high schoolers out to see complete strangers making out at their graduation party, but once again, the penguins and dachshunds will be a nice distraction. The reception will only be one hour long. This really makes the most sense. Think about any wedding reception you’ve ever been to. Have you noticed how the bride and groom seem to have that disconnected look about them? Its almost as if they are thinking about something else, or have other things on their mind…hmm…

Looking back over this entry, I wouldn’t be surprised if some girls asked me to marry them just based on these awesome wedding plans. Well, in all seriousness though, I am pretty awesome. And maybe someday, you might be able to attend my wedding. Complete with penguins, dachshunds, unity bonfires and freakin’ awesome duets!