wedding plans

In a few short weeks one of my best friends is getting married. I think it is time for me to share something about me that you may not know…

I dream of my wedding day every day, in fact several times a day. Now I know you are probably thinking two possible things:

1) Dude, are you a fairy, only girls are supposed to dream of their wedding day!

2) Dude, your just like every other guy who just wants to have sex!

Ok, as for #2, nothing could be further from the truth! As for #1, well, I can’t dispute that one. But once you see my wedding plans, you will forget all about my gender confusion issues.

Ok, first of all, I want 10 penguins wearing bow ties who will mingle with people at all times. There will also be a giant ice slide behind the altar. Also at all times, there will be 10 dachshunds with trays strapped to their backs that will serve hours d’ oeuvres and wine. The dachshunds will wear beanies with the propellers on the top.

Instead of lighting a unity candle, me and my bride will light a unity bonfire. This will of course be composed mostly of math textbooks and the book “Culture Warrior” by Bill O’ Reilly. During the lighting of the unity bonfire, there will be a special duet sung by Michael W. Smith and Rod Stewart. They will sing the mashup “Friends Forever Young”. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. I have also decided that Andy Pavelka will give the sermon/officiate the wedding. Also, instead of having a slideshow of pictures of me and my bride, I will play the cartoon “Ah Lamour” by Don Hertzfeldt. And finally instead of “kissing the bride” to finalize the wedding ceremony we will pinky swear, because as we all know, pinky swearing is the 2nd most legally binding contract one may enter into.

Ok, now for the reception. The reception will be held at a random high schoolers graduation party. This will take some coordination, but it will save us money on food and drink, and what high schooler wouldn’t love to have 10 penguins and dachshunds to play with?! As far as noise makers to get the bride and groom to kiss. This will be more important because as mentioned above, we pinky swore instead of kissing. Instead of having those annoying clappers or the traditional tapping a glass, everyone will be given a small chalkboard and a fork. With at least two hundred people scratching chalkboards with a fork, this should easily accomplish the task it was created for. Sure it might weird some high schoolers out to see complete strangers making out at their graduation party, but once again, the penguins and dachshunds will be a nice distraction. The reception will only be one hour long. This really makes the most sense. Think about any wedding reception you’ve ever been to. Have you noticed how the bride and groom seem to have that disconnected look about them? Its almost as if they are thinking about something else, or have other things on their mind…hmm…

Looking back over this entry, I wouldn’t be surprised if some girls asked me to marry them just based on these awesome wedding plans. Well, in all seriousness though, I am pretty awesome. And maybe someday, you might be able to attend my wedding. Complete with penguins, dachshunds, unity bonfires and freakin’ awesome duets!